I have a terrible feeling that people are reading this...
A few weeks ago I mentioned that we stewards are supposed to have been issued with clip-on ties. Only days later, this cheerless guy turned up before a game sulkily handing ties out to all and sundry as if he'd been bollocked for forgetting.
Coincidence? I think not.
Ha! I only agreed to do this column on the understanding that nobody read it. That's the whole point of being a steward - to be anonymous.
An example: a friend of mine who is a season ticket holder said in passing last week: "See you up the Vale on Saturday in your yellow jacket?"
YELLOW??? It's ORANGE, for Gods-sake!!! Bright orange, in fact! You can't miss it! We look like we've just been TANGO-ED! But after all these years of going up the Vale, he still hasn't noticed that we wear orange, not yellow.
This is good news really. I wouldn't really want anyone looking at me - orange is not my colour.
But to make up for us stewards having to wear orange (and to watch Vale's ghastly 0-0 draw with Gillingham), the company (The Vale) have generously invited us to a Christmas meal.
As they have their own venue and restaurant, that makes a lot of sense, instead of us taking our hard earned cash to a Burslem boozer and Indian restaurant.
We have each been given a ticket with the words "In appreciation of your hard work and loyalty". This ticket entitles us to £7.50 OFF the cost of the event. The cost per person is...£32.50. I'm glad they gave them to us sitting down.
Twenty-five quid for a 4-course meal and cabaret? You can't help thinking that you're part of a money-making exercise, rather than a Xmas treat for loyal staff.
However, I won't be going for one good reason: the specially printed invitations, the ones that went out to all staff, say in big letters: "Vale Park Christmas Caberet". For all those who don't know: "Caberet" is a type of potato. If they can't get that right, one does wonder what else they've got wrong.
But it's the thought that counts, I suppose.
But what do I know?